


Remember Me

by OnceBlinkInsomniac



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/F, Hanahaki Disease, One-Sided Attraction, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:35:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24671695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnceBlinkInsomniac/pseuds/OnceBlinkInsomniac
Summary: Hyejoo never would have imagined that she could love someone to the point where it was killing her.
Relationships: Park Chaewon | Go Won/Son Hyejoo | Olivia Hye
Comments: 57
Kudos: 138





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, Character Death

In hindsight, Hyejoo knew she should have probably seen this coming. She’d had no plans of forming any type of relationships when she’d first gotten the news that she would be debuting soon as the 12th member of Loona. Knowing that most of the girls had already known each other for some time and that she was coming in as an outsider was intimidating to say the least. She was aware of what some of the people that worked at BBC said about her. Had heard the whispers calling her untalented. Unworthy. She’d feared that her new members would think the same.

It hadn’t taken her long however before her fellow members managed to crack the mask she was so used to wearing. It first started with her subunit members. From Sooyoung’s constant teasing that she soon grew to welcome and Jiwoo’s smiles that shone brighter that the sun. From the companionship she felt with Chaewon as she shared her similar fears as the 11th member. It soon grew to include the rest of the girls as all subunits joined together to form one single unit.

She got used to Haseul’s motherly concern, always making sure the members were taking care of themselves. To Yerim’s never-ending energy and Jinsol and Jungeun’s constant mock fighting. To Hyunjin’s dry humor and Heejin’s affections. She grew to admire Kahei’s and Yeojin’s strength. One from coming from a completely different country, leaving her family and all she had ever known behind in order to follow her dreams in an unknown place where the language and the people were foreign. The other from debuting at such a young age and pouring her sweat and tears into making her dreams come true and still maintaining her youth and innocence even while she was faced with so much hate and indifference from their own fans.

Before long, Hyejoo realized she’d found a new family. Debuting and becoming a successful idol wasn’t her dream anymore. It was doing that with those girls by her side. One especially. She wasn’t sure of when her feelings first started. Of when she had started to see her differently to the others. Maybe it had been that way from the first time she met her. Or maybe it had progressed slowly, growing little by little after each conversation they had. After each smile or hug. She had no idea. All she knew was that she couldn’t imagine a time before such feelings. Loving Chaewon was as easy as breathing. It felt as thought she’d finally found what she was meant for. Not debuting. Not being famous. Simply loving her blonde best friend.

It felt so natural that it took her some time to realize her feelings, and by the time she finally did, she was already in too deep to back out. Not that she would ever want to anyways. Because she was convinced that there was no greater feeling in the world than the love she felt for the other girl. It almost made it hard to believe that something so pure was going to be responsible for her death.

It all started right after they got their first win. Hyejoo had watched her fellow members jumping around and crying out of joy. The sight of Haseul hugging a crying Yeojin made her especially glad that their leader was finally back with them. She’d been watching Jiwoo and Jungeun giving a performance of So What as the only members capable of singing in the moment when she was surprised by a familiar pair of lips meeting her cheek. She turned to see Chaewon looking at her with the brightest smile ever and Hyejoo could have sworn she was looking at an angel. Chaewon was then pulled away by an equally happy Heejin and she was left there with a huge smile on her face, which she would blame on them winning first place if questioned and not on the kiss.

She felt something in the back of her throat bothering her but she ignored it in favor of following her gleeful members off the stage. It was two days later when it first happened. The members were all sitting in the kitchen table having breakfast when she felt it again. Her throat had been bothering her ever since they won the award but something felt different this time. Almost like something was trying to come out her throat. She didn’t want to make a scene, as the members were already worried about her coughing, thinking she was getting sick. She quickly stood up, muttering something about needing to use the bathroom, ignoring the concerned glance Chaewon sent her. 

She locked the door behind her and managed to throw herself in front of the toilet just in time for the coughing to start, getting more and more violent. She silently thanked all the noise that came with 11 girls in the kitchen, helping to mask the sounds she was making.

It finally stopped after almost five minutes of nonstop coughing. Her throat felt sore and she could feel something sticking to the back of her mouth. She grabbed at whatever it was, feeling her heart drop when she saw what she was holding in her hand. It was a small, white, flower petal.

Hyejoo knew what it meant, coughing up flowers. Everyone had heard of the Hanahaki disease. No one knew where it came from or why it only affected an unlucky few but everyone knew what it meant. Unrequited love. She immediately knew who it was meant for, images of Chaewon filling her mind.

Everyone knew there were only two cures for the disease. Either the person returned the feelings, curing the victim, or you could take the surgery. A surgery which would leave her cured but unable to ever love Chaewon ever again. And not only that, her feelings would be diluted, unable to feel anything as strong as she did now. She would be a shell of her former self.

The third choice was not to do anything. To let the disease progress. The petals would soon grow thorns. They would bloom into full flowers. And as they continued to make their way out her mouth, the roots would soon start taking place, forming a garden inside her. They would grow around her lungs, leaving her unable to breath. They would close in on her heart until it was unable to beat again. It would take a few months, four at the most but eventually, she would choke on the flowers, unable to take another breath.

The stories she’d heard of people dying from this were gruesome. Yet for some reason, the idea of taking the surgery felt even worse. She knew that she would never be able to give up her feelings. The idea of looking at Chaewon, hearing her voice or seeing her smile and not feeling anything absolutely terrified her.

Hyejoo wasn’t stupid. She knew that choosing this, refusing to let go, was a death sentence. And yet, it somehow felt like the easier option. She flushed the petal down the toilet before making her way back to the others, smiling and assuring them she was fine when Haseul voiced her concern. She almost choked up, this time not on any petals but on knowing that she would be saying goodbye to this family soon.

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

During the next few days, it got more constant. She would wake up and rush to the bathroom to choke out a few white petals before putting on the mask she hadn’t had to use in a long while, joking around and laughing with the girls, acting like everything was okay. She would then cough out petals at least two more times during the day.

She recognized the familiar feeling in her throat that always appeared just before so she always had time to go to the bathroom before it happened. She had heard that the flowers that came out always had a meaning so she had rejected going on a shopping spree with the girls on their day off and instead spent it scouring the internet for the name of the flower that was slowly killing her.

After a few hours she had found a match. She felt dumb for taking so long, considering it was quite a popular flower but in her defense, she had never been interested in gardening. It was a daisy which, according to google, represented Innocence and Purity. It also meant “I’ll never tell”. Hyejoo found it quite fitting considering she had never felt something as pure and innocent as her love for Chaewon. It also fitted quite well since she had absolutely no intentions of ever telling her.

If she had even the slightest hint that maybe her feelings would be returned maybe she would have considered it but she knew her best friend better than anyone and she knew she was straight. And she knew that if she told her she would try to force herself to love the younger girl just to save her. And when it failed, she would blame herself for it. And Hyejoo couldn’t allow her to live with that guilt. She realized the truth would eventually come out, after her death, but she would make sure that nobody knew who had been her unrequited love. It almost felt poetic to her, protecting the girl she loved to her final breath.

A few days later, Chaewon ran up to her best friend looking happier than Hyejoo had seen her in a while. When she excitedly confessed to her that the cute guy who had been her classmate before she had left school had texted her, wanting to meet up, Hyejoo had smiled back at her and urged her to meet up with him, all the while feeling her heart brake at the news. She knew how much Chaewon had liked him and she knew that as long as Chaewon kept smiling like she was, whatever pain she endured would be worth it.

That night she locked herself in the bathroom once again as petals painfully made their way out. She noticed the flowers were different to the white daisies she had gotten used to. These petals were yellow and after some researching, she found out they were Yellow Hyacinths. She wasn’t surprised to find out that they meant jealousy.

As weeks went on, the yellow hyacinths came with more frequency. Every time she watched Chaewon smiling down at her phone, fingers gliding around the keyboard as she clearly texted him, she found herself rushing to the bathroom as her jealousy came out in the most painful way. A part of her was glad to know that at least Chaewon would have someone to lean on once she was gone but a bigger part simply wished that it could be her that made her smile like that.

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

It was three months after her disease had started when she finally got caught. She’d been to busy starring at Chaewon to notice both Jiwoo’s and Jungeun’s increasingly suspicious stares. Both had noticed her longing looks towards Chaewon and the way Hyejoo had started wearing makeup to hide the paleness of her skin from her constant throwing up that had started to take a toll on her. The final straw happened when they were in the studio practicing a new choreography one day. Hyejoo was usually one of the members who picked up new moves the fastest so it was weird when she continued messing up.

She was also known to have the most stamina so it confused everyone when she kept losing her breath easily. Hyejoo knew that it meant that the garden of death inside her was tightening around her lungs but she couldn’t let them know that. She quickly explained that she felt a cold coming in to explain it away. Most of the girls accepted the explanation easily and Haseul sent her to the dorm with instructions of taking some cough medicine and going to sleep early.

Jiwoo and Jungeun however, were already keeping an eye on her and were quick to recognize her lie for what it was. They shared on look before quickly volunteering to take Hyejoo back to take care of her. Hyejoo quickly tried to object but they talked over her, convincing Haseul that both of them had already memorized the choreography anyways. Haseul looked visibly confused but wanted to get back to practicing so she simply waved them off.

The ride back to the dorm was tense. Hyejoo was trying to keep the petals that were threatening to come out in. She’d managed to keep her sickness a secret for more than three months now. She wasn’t going to ruin it all now by vomiting out her secret in front of two of her members. Once their manager had dropped them off home, Hyejoo tried to rush off to the bathroom but was stopped by a strong hand closing in on her arm.

She turned around to see both girls glaring at her. Jiwoo was the one holding her in place. “We know something’s wrong Hyejoo. What are you hiding?” Jungeun asked her. Hyejoo could feel the petals threatening to come out. She had to get away right now. She tried to wrench her arm out of Jiwoo’s hold but the older girl was surprisingly strong. She was getting pretty desperate as she could feel thorns scratching her throat as they struggled to come out. She opened her mouth to try to assure the two older girls that she was fine, just feeling a bit under the weather, when she could no longer hold it back. She collapsed to her knees, gasping for air as tears stung her eyes at the painful feeling that manifested itself in her lungs and throat. She coughed and coughed until she finally spat something out into her awaiting hands.

Hey eyes immediately landed on the purple flower that laid in her hands. The first full flower she’d coughed. She knew that meant the disease was progressing quickly. The traces of blood covered the otherwise purple flower but she recognized it anyways from all the research she had been doing. Gone were the yellow hyacinths replaced by an Anemone. She chuckled darkly as she remembered its meaning. Fading Hope. She was suddenly reminded that she wasn’t alone by the sound of a sob. She looked up and saw both girls looking down at the flower that rested in her hand with matching expressions of sorrow, Jiwoo trying to contain her cries with her hand. “How long?”, Jungeun asked.

Hyejoo wanted to leave but she knew they wouldn’t leave her alone until they had an answer. She knew that if she told them that she was starting the third month already, which meant she was close to the end, they would drag her to the nearest hospital and make her take the surgery. She couldn’t allow that to happen so in the heat of the moment, she lied. “It started two weeks ago”, she told them, her voice hoarse. She noticed the way both girls relaxed slightly, thinking they’d gotten there early enough to stop it. “Who is it?”, Jiwoo asked. Hyejoo shook her head slightly, unwilling to let her name slip out her lips.

“You’ll tell them, right?”, Jiwoo asked. Hyejoo simply shook her head once again. “You have to. Either that or you’re going to have to get the surgery”. She insisted. She could sense the both of them getting more anxious as she continued her silence. “Hyejoo this will kill you.” Hyejoo looked up at her unnie. “I think not loving them ever again would kill me too”, she admitted.

Jungeun sighted almost angrily at the girl but her anger faded a bit at seeing her still kneeling on the floor, dry tears on her cheeks from when she’d been choking. “Look I don’t know who it is but it’s only been two weeks. We’ll give you a few more weeks more to confess. If you’re still sick in three weeks we’ll take you to the hospital for the surgery ourselves. I don’t care if you want it or not”. Jungeun’s voice was stern, thought not unkind. It was clear that she would not let her friend die under any circumstance.

Hyejoo nodded her agreement, ignoring the guilt that pooled in her stomach when she realized she would probably be dead in three weeks. Having said their part, Jiwoo kneeled down in front of the younger girl and threw her arms around her neck, Jungeun joining soon after. Hyejoo closed her eyes, enjoying the warm embrace and silently wishing they would be able to forgive her once they found out about her lie.

That night in bed, she drew her covers over herself in order to block the sound of her crying from reaching the other sleeping girls’ ears. It seems like having someone else know of her impending doom made it seem real for the first time. She’d known logically that her time was coming to an end but some part of her had thought there would be some miracle cure at the last moment. But watching two of her closest friends crying for her made her realize she really was dying. She was a little in awe at the accuracy of the flowers that were slowly killing her. They say hope always dies last. Guess they were right after all.

A week had passed since her secret had been found out and she was ready to kill both Jiwoo and Jungeun. Deep down, she knew they were simply worried about her and trying to help her but their constant questions about how she was feeling and their coddling was making the other girls suspicious and that was the last thing Hyejoo needed.

The idea of anyone else finding out scared her more than she wanted to admit. As much as she liked thinking about what she was doing as noble, dying for true love, alone so as to not worry anyone, she knew that she was just being a coward. She feared that if the others found out they would try to stop her and she couldn’t deal with their tears and pleads for her to save herself. Not without braking and taking the surgery just for them. And the thought of losing herself scared her more than anything else.

She would rather die with her memories intact and as herself. The others just wouldn’t understand.

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Hyejoo starts carrying mint gum everywhere, hoping to hide the sweet smell of flowers that seem to follow her everywhere. As the end approaches, she starts getting out of breath easier and easier. As she stops in the middle of the choreography to catch her breath once more, Haseul sends her home before going to talk to the managers. Talk of it being bronchitis reaches her ears. Part of her is grateful that they’re far from the truth.

She sends a small smile towards a worried Chaewon before leaving the rest to their practice, ignoring the glances of concern that Jiwoo and Jungeun share. As she reaches their dorm she’s happy at the privacy. It will give her time to put her affairs in order. She had already finished her will with her lawyer last week during their off day. She’d left most of her things to Chaewon and divided the rest between the other members. She’d also recorded her lines for their next comeback in secret. The recordings were hidden under her bed. A way to make a final impression, one last comeback for her. All that was left now were the letters. She knew that the girls deserved an explanation. Something to help them get closure after they got the news of her death.

She sat down at her desk ready to write but felt the familiar ache in her throat before she could start. She rushed to the bathroom, keeling over the sink. Tears stung her eyes as her coughing got more and more violent, trying to catch her breath. A crimson red Rose eventually came out, the thorns cutting up her throat pretty badly. She was thankful in that moment for having recorded her lines beforehand as she knew that there was no way she would be able to do it now with her throat in the condition it was. The crimson of the Rose almost managed to hide the blood that came out with it. Hyejoo knew that the flower meant mourning. She chuckled darkly as she realized she was, in fact, mourning her own death. Or more like morning for the loss of the life she’d never get to live.

She remembered a few months before when she couldn’t even recognize a daisy and now she could recognize almost any flower and it’s meaning. She wondered if the Rose’s would be the flower that finally killed her. She wiped her mouth of the blood that remained there before flushing the flower down the drain, getting rid of any evidence of what had happened. Once she was finished, she made her way back to her desk to write her final goodbyes.

She wrote a letter for both her parents. She’d never been close with either of them but they still deserved an explanation as to why their only daughter would no longer be contacting either of them. She then wrote an individual letter to each of the girls. She thanked them for being her family. Haseul and Kahei for always taking care of them, Sooyoung for being her first real friend and the annoying older sister she never knew she wanted.

Yerim for always brightening up her day and Yeojin for being her partner in crime in the many pranks they played on their unnies. Jinsol for always making everything fun, Heejin for the constant support and affection she gave her and Hyunjin for always being a silent figure of support.

She also wrote to both Heejin and Hyunjin about the importance of being true to their feelings, ignoring the hypocrisy of that statement coming from her. She’d seen the glances both girls threw at each other when they each thought the other wasn’t looking. She advised them to go for it, knowing life was too short for regrets. She hoped they would follow her advice as they would need each other’s support soon.

Her letters to both Jiwoo and Jungeun were a little bit longer. She urged them not to blame themselves and apologized for lying. She assured them that this had been her choice and that she didn’t regret it. Lastly, she told each and every one of them how much she loved them and her wish for them to continue with their dreams. She wrote that she would be looking down on them from heaven as they continued to win awards and get the recognition they deserved.

Finally, there was only one last letter to write. The most important one of all. She had no idea how to say goodbye to Chaewon. She knew she could never tell her of her true feelings. Not when there was the risk that the other girl would blame herself. But she still wanted her to know how much she meant for her. She started by thanking her for being her best friend and sharing so many memories with her. For always being there for her and for simply making her life better. She apologized for pulling away from her during the last few weeks and assured her it wasn’t her fault. She thought about every single thing that she loved about the other girl while she kept writing and by the time she finally finished expressing herself, the letter was by far the longest out of all of them.

By the time she was done, the rest of the girls were just arriving back at the dorm. She quickly hid the letters under her bed along with the recordings and wiped the tears in her eyes before making her way to her bed where she was supposed to be resting.

She quickly closed her eyes and faked sleep as she heard footsteps approaching her bed. She could feel someone standing over her but kept still. After a few minutes, she felt a pair of lips kissing her forehead before the footsteps walked away. She kept her eyes close but the familiar scent of Strawberries let her know that it had been none other than Chaewon. She squeezed her eyes tighter in order to keep a stray tear from escaping.

———————————————————————————————————————-————————————————————

It was three days later when she woke up one morning and immediately realized that it would be her last time waking up. The heavy feeling in her chest almost kept her from standing up but she refused to spend her last day in bed. Besides, she wasn’t planning on dying in their dorm where one of the members would be the one to find her. She made her way to the kitchen and smiled at the sight of her members sitting in the table trying to talk over each other as Sooyoung and Haseul finished making breakfast. She let out a small laugh when Yeojin took a piece of bread and threw it at Jinsol’s forehead only to be scolded by Haseul. Her laughter made her presence known.

“Oh, good you’re up. Sit down. Breakfast is almost ready”, Sooyoung told her. She smiled at her before going to sit down next to Chaewon as the girl patted the empty seat besides her. “How are you feeling?”, she asked her. She’d managed to convince her members that she was suffering from a cold before instead of bronchitis with the help of Jiwoo and Jungeun. “Much better”, she told her. The heavy feeling in her chest grew heavier as Chaewon squeezed her hands and leaned over to kiss her cheek. “Good, I was getting worried”.

She bit back the flower that threatened to come out, wanting to enjoy one last breakfast with her family. She sat back and enjoyed the banter that continued all throughout breakfast. She managed to notice Yerim starring oddly at her from her other side. “What?” she asked. “Nothing. It’s just you seem weirdly happy. You would normally be screaming at everyone to shut up and let you eat in peace.” Hyejoo chuckled as she knew the older girl was right. “I’m just thinking about how much I love you guys”, she confessed as she stood up to take both her and Chaewon’s plates to the sink. Yerim simply smiled at her confession thought she was still a bit weirded out by her abnormal behavior.

She volunteered to clean up, much to Haseul’s confusion who was the one who usually did that. She wanted to do something nice for the member who always put their needs before her own. After she had finished, she dragged both Yeojin and Chaewon to the living room to play a few rounds of Mario Kart, something they used to do all the time but had stopped after she had coughed up that first petal. After a while, the other members came over and sat down on the couches and the floor to watch the races, Heejin and Sooyoung challenging the winners for the next round. Hyejoo looked around the room at all the members that surrounded her and at Sooyoung scolding Yeojin for cursing after she came in last place and felt a warm feeling envelop her chest.

After a few hours, Jungeun and Kahei came out of the kitchen to tell them that lunch was ready. Before making her way to the kitchen, she stopped at the bathroom as a blue flower spilled from her mouth. She recognized the flower as a remember-me-not. A flower known for signifying true love memories and goodbyes. She found it quite fitting that those would be the cause of her death.

She was surprised that she had only coughed out one flower today and how she’d felt oddly fine all day, aside from the heavy feeling in her chest which she’d become accustomed to. Still, she knew she only had a few hours left. She could feel it. She was just thankful for being able to have one last good day of memories

After lunch, the girls came back to the living room, switching the video games for a drama some of them were watching. Hyejoo didn’t pay a lot of attention to the tv, taking the time to watch her fellow members, almost like she was trying to imprint their faces in her memory. Especially Chaewon’s who was cuddled close with her on the couch, her head lying on the taller girl’s chest, right above her heart which would soon beat no more.

She was shaken out of her thoughts a few episodes later by Haseul’s voice, telling them all that they should go to sleep early as they had an early schedule the next day. Hyejoo was surprised at how quick the day had passed and how long they had spent watching tv. That type of day would normally bore her and now she wondered why she hadn’t enjoyed them more while she had the chance. She loved the sense of companionship that came from all 12 girls being together.

Kahei stood up and shut off the tv after realizing that Haseul had been ignored. The girls stood up to get ready for bed even as they whined about it being too early. Hyejoo went one by one and hugged each of them goodnight, ignoring the confused smiles they sent her at their maknae’s rare show of affection. Afterwards, she laid on her bed, waiting for the other to fall asleep.

After she heard their breathing slow down, she quietly made her way out the dorm, grabbing only a mask and hoodie to hide her identity just in case. The streets outside were oddly quiet. She walked undisturbed to a close park, walking up a small hill where you had the perfect view of the sky. She’d known she wanted to die there from the moment she first accepted her fate. She had left the recordings and letters on top of her bed for the girls to find come morning. Her heart ached at the pain she knew they would soon be feeling and she felt selfish for being relieved that she would not be there to see it.

She sat down and leaned against the only tree up there. She starred at the sunset, thinking of the early days when they’d first debuted. She’d sit here with Chaewon, talking about their hopes and dreams long into the night. She reasoned it was probably there when she fell in love with the other girl. Many of her happiest memories took place in that hill, moments she’d shared with the girl she loved more than anything in the world. It felt strangely appropriate that her last moments would also be there. She only wished she could see her one last time.

She knew her time was quickly coming to an end. Could feel it in the way every breath became harder than the last and at the increasing pain in her chest. She had thought that she would be terrified as her death approached but it seemed as thought she’d already gone through all the bad emotions and was now in the acceptance part. She just wished more than anything that she could share more moments with the girls that had become her family but she knew that if she had the choice to do it all over again, she wouldn’t change anything.

Because loving Chaewon, for as short a time as it lasted, made her happier than she ever thought she could be. She thought back on all the nights where they would play one of her video games after a tiring practice, eventually falling asleep in one another’s arms. She remembered all the inside jokes and shared laughter. She remembered the way her smile could light up the whole room and her eyes which starred so intensely into hers, seemed to sparkle like the stars.

She smiled at the thought of her, ignoring the pain as the garden of death that sat in her chest responded to all her feelings, slowly crushing her insides, her lungs struggling to keep on working until they finally stopped trying, crushed under the weight of her love. A permanent smile was etched on her face as she took her final breath.


	2. The Aftermarh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What becomes of Loona when 12 turns to 11?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally planned this as a one-shot but some people left reviews asking for a second part and it inspired me to write this. Fair warning, it’s a little bit angsty

The funeral took place exactly one week after Hyejoo’s death. It was a small, private affair consisting of only her parents, a few aunts and uncles she hadn’t known all that well and the eleven girls who were more her family than anyone else there.

Sooyoung could hardly believe it had already been seven days since the incident, as the girls called it. Seven whole days since she’d last seen the girl who had been her little sister. Seven days since she’d felt her arms around her as she hugged her goodnight. If only Sooyoung had known that was the last time she’d ever get to see the girl she’d have done so much more. She had so much she wanted to say to her.

All throughout the week, she’d go from feeling an indescribable sadness to a furious anger. She’d go from wanting to see Hyejoo again in order to hug her from wanting to shout at the girl for being so idiotic. Her grief felt like an ocean, coming in waves inexplicably and from nowhere. Each wave stronger than the last, leaving her feeling like every breath she took was a struggle. She still remembers how she found out what had happened. How in one moment, her whole life, their whole life, changed forever.

_Jungeun had been the first one to get up that fateful morning, just like usual. She’d been on her way to the kitchen, in order to get started on breakfast when she noticed Hyejoo’s bed. The younger girl was usually one of the more difficult members to wake up in the morning so she was surprised to see her bed empty. She noticed a box sitting on top of the bed and couldn’t help her curiosity. She took one look at the rest of the sleeping members before quietly opening the box. Inside laid a bunch of recordings along with some closed letters. Jungeun noticed that each letter had someone’s name written on it._

_Something about the situation felt off to Jungeun. She knew she was breaking the other girl’s privacy but she couldn’t shake the bad feeling. She looked through the letters until one caught her eye. The one which had her name. She grabbed it and opened it, her heart dropping as she quickly scanned it. She didn’t remember much of what happened afterwards but according to the other girls, they were awoken by an earth-shattering scream. Heejin had been the first one to rush towards Jungeun, kneeling next to the older girl and taking her in her arms. The rest of the girls were too shocked by the sight of their usually responsible member kneeling on the floor, tears streaming down her face as she clutched a letter in her hands. The same statement falling from her lips again and again, almost like a prayer. “She promised. She promised.”_

_Most of the girls shared the same look of confusion. All except one. Jiwoo starred at Jungeun and noticed that Hyejoo was the only missing member. A growing horror grew in her as understanding finally dawned. She quickly walked over to the bed and started looking through the box, desperately searching for some sign that her suspicions were incorrect._

_She ignored her members' questions as she grabbed the letter with her name on it and tore it open. Tears immediately sprang to her eyes as grief surged through her body, overwhelming her. It felt like every breath was a struggle. Chuu could have sworn she heard Hyejoo’s voice in her head, assuring her she still had time. Her last thought was “you lied”, before the pain became too much and her eyes rolled to the back of her head as she fell down on the floor, unconscious._

_The remaining girls quickly approached the unconscious girl, surrounding her as Jungeun continued crying in Heejin’s arms. Yerim was the one who finally looked through the box, looking for an answer. She grabbed a bunch of letters, handing them out to their respective owners._

_Soon, all that could be heard from the dorm was the combined grief of eleven girls, mourning for one of their own._

Sooyoung could still hear Jungeun’s scream, echoing in her head constantly. She probably always would. She had never heard something as painful as it. She heard a small sob coming from the person who sat in front of her. She recognized the figure by the back of her head. Jinsol. She hadn’t seen her fellow member in days. Not since she’d upped and vanished.

_Two days after her death, they woke up to find Jinsol’s stuff gone. All that was left was a note on her bed. “I’ve gone to stay with my parents. Please don’t contact me. I’m sorry.” Nobody talked to each other that day, reeling from the fact that just like that 12 girls had become 10. The third oldest member hadn’t said anything, too nice to point any fingers even then, but both Jiwoo and Jungeun knew that they were part of the reason why she had left. They couldn’t blame her for not wanting anything to do with them._

Sooyoung sighted as she turned to look around the room. Most of the members were spread out. She could see Kahei hugging a crying Haseul up front. She knew the girl was blaming herself, thinking she’d failed as a leader. She only hoped Kahei and her would be able to help each other in ways she knew she herself couldn’t help them. Not after she’d left them. Her fists involuntarily tightened as she saw Jiwoo and Jungeun sitting together a few rows in front of her, remembering the last time she’d seen either of them.

_It was two days after Jinsol had left them and they hadn’t heard anything from the girl since then. Sooyoung hadn’t left her bed unless it was to go to the bathroom since then. All that she had eaten were the meals Yeojin sometimes took to her, sitting on the edge of her bed in silence until the older woman was finished eating. No words were exchanged during this time._

_She heard a familiar laugh coming from the living room, breaking the tense silence that had filled the dorm for days. A numbness had filled her after she’d first had confirmation of Hyejoo’s death but in that moment, the numbness was washed away as a white, blinding fury consumed her. She immediately stood up and marched towards the living room, her fury heightening as her suspicions were confirmed. Jiwoo, Haseul and Hyunjin sat on the living room floor, going through Hyejoo’s things in order to choose which items to send home to her parents. The laugh had come from Jiwoo, a small smile still sitting on her face._

_She ignored the fact that her smile didn’t reach her eyes, or that it was mirrored on the other two girls’ faces. All reason left her as her anger took over. She approached the girl kneeling on the floor, harshly shoving her into the floor. “Wow, I know you didn’t care for Hyejoo but at least have some respect for her. It hasn’t even been a week and you’re already happy and laughing”, she spat harshly at the girl that just a few days previously had been her best friend. Jiwoo looked up at her from the floor, tears threatening to fall out. It was the first time any of the girls outright blamed her and while she already blamed herself, knowing the girl she considered her best friend felt the same way broke her. Sooyoung felt just the smallest hint of regret at the pitiful sight but it quickly vanished when she remembered that if it wasn’t for her, Hyejoo would still be alive._

_Haseul held her hands out towards Sooyoung, almost like she was handling a wild animal. And considering the wild glint in the older girls’ eyes, she almost felt like she was. “Sooyoung, we all miss Hyejoo. We were just remembering the time she panicked and ran away from fans at the airport, just after she’d debuted at our 12th member”, she explained, trying to calm the older girl down._

_“What the hell is going on here?” Jungeun shouted. The girl had come into the living room to see what all the commotion was about. She was shocked at the sight of Sooyoung staring daggers at Jiwoo who was still on the floor, her fists clenched. Haseul and Hyunjin were staring at her and trying to talk her down. Jungeun quickly connected the dots and her anger flared at the idea of anyone hurting Jiwoo. She took a few angry steps towards Sooyoung, ignoring Haseul’s warning glare and put her hands on the other girl’s shoulders, shoving her back harshly. Sooyoung stumbled back a few steps before suddenly running at Jungeun, grabbing her around the waist and tackling her on the floor. The anger that filled Sooyoung was unlike any she’d ever felt before. All she could think about was wanting to make the other girl hurt as much as she was hurting._

_Before she knew it, she was pulling her arm back ready to punch the other girl when a pair of arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her off Jungeun. “Sooyoung, calm down. Please.” Hyunjin begged, tightening her grip even further when the older girl tried to get at Jungeun once again. All of the girls, except Yerim and Chaewon who didn’t have it in them to leave their beds, had made their way to the living room by that time and were all staring at the scene in disbelief. They had never seen Sooyoung lose control like that._

_Jungeun helped the now crying Jiwoo up and started leading her out of the room by the hand. “Believe it or not Sooyoung, You’re not the only one who loved her” she spat, throwing one last look at Sooyoung before leaving the room. The girls heard the dorm door open and close. Hyunjin finally let go of Sooyoung, thinking it safe now that both girls who were the reason for her anger were now gone. Sooyoung felt her heart sink once she noticed the looks the girls were throwing at her. They were looking at her like she was a stranger. And she couldn’t blame them. She herself could no longer recognize herself, stuck in her grief._

_Without thinking twice about it, she looked at the girls. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live with them”, she said coldly. Without waiting for a response, she turned on her feet and made her way back to the bedroom, ignoring the multiple pleas for her to wait._

_But she didn’t. Because the truth was, she wasn’t just leaving because she couldn’t bear seeing Jungeun and Jiwoo’s faces every day. She also couldn’t bear seeing the rest of her members. She couldn’t bear seeing the constant red eyes and tear marks on Haseul, hearing the sobs that rang out in the night from Kahei’s bed, after she thought the other girls were asleep. Seeing the lack of a smile on Yerim’s face as she almost seemed to drag herself through the dorm. She couldn’t bear being witness to the panic attacks that seemed to hit Heejin out of nowhere at least twice a day, or feeling useless as only Hyunjin’s embrace seemed to help calm her down. Even the sudden air of maturity that seemed to follow Yeojin as she went around taking care of the members was painful to her. Gone was the playful maknae that loved to prank and disobey her unnies. She couldn’t take one more day of seeing the lifeless look in Chaewon’s eyes. Chaewon who had broken down at the news before completely shutting down. Not one word had left her lips since then. Seeing the two empty beds where Hyejoo and Jinsol should be was just the final straw._

_And so, without looking back, she hastily shoved a few things in a bag before making her way to the door, her heart clenching at her member’s eyes staring into her and at hearing Yeojin’s pleas for her not to leave. She ignored her members trying to make her see reason and walked out the door, her self-hatred growing with each step she took._

Sooyoung had regretted her actions almost immediately but refused to apologize. Deep down, she knew Jungeun and Jiwoo weren’t to blame but she’d just been so filled with anger and she’d taken it out on them. She knew it wasn’t healthy, the overwhelming sense of anger that seemed to follow her everywhere but she knew that if she allowed her sadness to take over, she wasn’t sure she would survive. It was just easier to feel angry instead. Every time she started feeling any resemblance to happiness, something would pop up, reminding her of the sister she’d never see again and the anger would simply overwhelm her once again. It was like an endless cycle of hate and regret.

Sooyoung was shaken out of her thoughts when she saw the other people starting to get up and make their way out of the room. The funeral was over. She saw Jinsol quickly walk out ahead of the others, leaving no time for anyone to approach her. Not that they would have anyways, all of them too busy dealing with their own grief. She saw Heejin and Hyunjin still sitting in their seats, wrapped up in each other’s arms and Haseul and Kahei walking out the room. Yerim was nowhere to be found, having been the last to arrive and the first to leave. The look of pure anguish on her face during the whole funeral had made her unrecognizable from the girl who’s smile had once been brighter than the sun.

Yeojin passed next to her on her way out. She tried to reach out an arm to stop her but the younger girl simply quickened her pace and avoided Sooyoung’s eyes. It hurt to be brushed off, but Sooyoung knew she deserved it. She knew her and Jinsol’s leaving had especially hurt the maknae who was desperate to try to keep them all together in their time of grief.

She turned to look at Jungeun and Jiwoo one more time and found herself taking a step towards them, guilt motivating her, before the anger she had become familiar with by now stepped in once again. With one last look at both crying girls, she turned and left the building, back to the lonely apartment she was staying in.

************

A month after the funeral, Sooyoung was making her way through the cemetery she visited daily, a stuffed animal in her hand, when she saw someone she wasn’t expecting to see standing in front of the tombstone she was visiting.

She knew the other girls visited often, recognized them by the gifts they left behind and she had even run into them a few times, although all that came out of it were nods of acknowledgement as they passed one another. It had happened with all except one. The one that was now standing there.

She’d only talked with Haseul and Yeojin a handful of times, both of whom were two of the few members left in the dorms, with most of them either moving back in with their parents or finally using their hard-earned money and renting an apartment if their parents’ home was too far away, all of them unwilling to leave the place where Hyejoo laid. She couldn’t blame them. She could only bring herself to leave her apartment during her daily visits.

From the updates both members had given her, Chaewon had come back to the dorm after the funeral and refused to leave once again, spending all day locked in her room. She still had yet to say a word since Hyejoo’s death. Haseul was actually considering trying to get her to see a therapist. Sooyoung remembered scoffing when she told her that, thinking about how every single member could probably do with a therapist.

Which is why it surprised her to see the younger girl standing in front of the headstone. She briefly considered leaving in order to grant her some privacy or just staying where she was, hidden from view by a tall tree, until the other girl had left. It’s what she would have done if it were any of the other girls. But it wasn’t. It was Chaewon. The girl that had always been there for her. The girl who had once looked up to her and went to her for advice. She knew she hadn’t been a good unnie to the girls. She’d let her grief get in the way and had abandoned the girls she still considered her family when they needed her the most. And she refused to make the same mistake again.

With that in mind, she quietly walked over to Chaewon, siding up next to her. The other girl gave no hint of having heard her, her eyes still stuck on the headstone before them. Sooyoung turned to look at it, her heart squeezing painfully as it always did at the sight of it.

Son Hye Joo

2001-2020

Taken to soon

Forever in our hearts

Dozens of gifts laid all around it, all of them from the girls as no one else knew the location of Hyejoo’s final resting place. There were no flowers in sight though, none of them standing the sight of them anymore. It reminded them of how much pain Hyejoo must have been in her final moments and it was just too painful to contemplate.

Sooyoung gently kneeled and moved over a bunch of video games to make space for the small stuffed wolf she had brought. Another one to add to the growing collection that laid around the tombstone. She then stood back up, standing in companionable silence with Chaewon. It was weird, she hadn’t seen the other girl in a month and yet her mere presence made her feel more at peace than she had since the day she’d lost her little sister.

Deep down, she knew that the distance the girls kept was only temporarily. Right now, it hurt them all too much to be together but eventually, it would hurt even worse to be apart. Because their bond was just too great to ever break. And while she knew it would take some time, she had no doubts that eventually, one day, they would share the stage once more. Although the empty space where their 12th member should be would always haunt them, a permanent reminder of what they had all lost. But Loona would remain as 12. They had started as 12 and as such they would remain because Hyejoo would never be far from any of their thoughts.

Sooyoung was shaken out of her musings by a sound she hadn’t heard in a long time. She hadn’t even realized how much she had missed Chaewon’s voice till that moment. Her voice was hoarse from lack of use and was little more than a whisper but Sooyoung heard her words loud and clear. “I loved her”, she admitted. Sooyoung’s heart ached at the confession and for a brief second, she wanted to leave, her words making her feel the pain of the loss all over again. But then she remembered the promise she had made to herself just minutes prior. She had failed them once. She wasn’t going to fail them a second time. So instead, she wrapped an arm around the shorter girl’s waist, bringing her closer towards her body. “I know”, she replied. “I know”.

Chaewon suddenly started coughing and Sooyoung could do nothing but stare in horror as the younger girl bent over, body wracking with violent coughs. The whole thing lasted no more than 15 seconds but the silence that followed stretched on as realization dawned on Sooyoung. Her eyes still stuck to the purple Hyacinths that laid in front of Hyejoo’s tombstone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hoped you guys enjoyed it. Look up the flower if you want to know the symbolism behind it.


	3. Alternative Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the alternative ending some people asked for. I admit, I may have added just the tiniest bit of angst but it’s also definitely happier than the last two. I hope you enjoy it :)

_Continues on from when Hyejoo just threw up a rose in the dorm bathroom after leaving practice early_

Hyejoo was so busy starring at the crimson rose in her hands that she failed to hear the bathroom door opening. The gasp that sounded finally let her know that she wasn’t alone anymore. “What the hell”, a voice exclaimed. Hyejoo winced at the tangible anger in the voice. She turned around to see the very last person she would ever want to find her in that position standing in the bathroom door.

Before she could say anything, the other girl quickly walked towards her, towering over Hyejoo who was still kneeling on the bathroom floor. She stared at the rose in her hands for a few seconds, shock and anger visible in her face. Hyejoo quickly threw the flower into the toilet and flushed it down before standing up and walking past the other girl, almost like she was hoping she would forget what she’d just witnessed now that there was no evidence left.

Of course, that’s not how things work and so she heard footsteps quickly following after her. She had just entered the bedroom when she was stopped by a hand wrapping around her arm, giving her déjà vu of just two weeks prior when a different member had done the same thing. The force of the grip stopped her in her tracks and made her turn around to look at her best friend. “What the hell was that?”, she asked. Hyejoo desperately tried to think of something to change the conversation. “What are you even doing here? Shouldn’t you be at practice?” She questioned.

Chaewon shot her an annoyed look at her obvious attempt to avoid her previous question. “I came back early to check up on you”, she admitted. “Now stop avoiding the question. What the hell was that?”, she asked again.

Hyejoo was surprised at the language. Chaewon usually never cursed and now it seemed to be the only thing she seemed capable of saying. Of course, she reasoned that if their positions were exchanged, she would probably be acting the same way. “It’s nothing Chae”, she told her. Chaewon scoffed at that, tightening her grip slightly. “Really? Because that didn’t look like nothing. It looked like you’ve been hiding the fact that you’re fucking dying from us.”

Normally, Hyejoo could say with confidence that Chaewon was the least intimidating person she’d ever met, with even Jiwoo and Yerim surpassing her, but the way she was looking at her right now really had her thinking that she should reevaluate that belief.

“How long?”, she asked when she saw the other girl wasn’t saying anything. “A month”, she answered, the lie slipping automatically past her lips. Chaewon scoffed darkly, the sound surprising Hyejoo. “I’m not stupid Hye. That rose was fully bloomed. That doesn’t happen until the final stage of the disease. So how long?”, she asked, once again. The look on her face telling her that she expected the truth.

She wanted to lie again, just like she had to the other two members who had found out her secret, but she couldn’t. Because this wasn’t Jiwoo or Jungeun. It was Chaewon. And she could never lie to the other girl, even if she wanted to. She simply knew her too well. “A little more than three months”, she admitted while looking down at the floor, not wanting to see the other girl’s reaction.

Silence greeted her admission. She looked up from the floor after almost a whole minute of it and immediately regretted it. The look of pure anguish on Chaewon’s face made her hate herself for being the cause of it. “Please say something”, she pleaded after the silence became to much for her. “What do you want me to say?”, she responded. “My best friend is dying and she didn’t even trust me enough to tell me.” A sudden thought seemed to come to her before Hyejoo could utter an answer. “I have to call the others”, she said, already taking out her cell phone.

Hyejoo started panicking at that. “Please don’t”, she quickly said. “Don’t tell anyone.” Chaewon looked at her in disbelief. “So what’s your plan then. I keep quiet and then in a week or two I explain to the others how come you’re dead and I’m not surprised?”, she asked her harshly. Hyejoo knew it wasn’t fair of her to ask that of the other girl but the idea of everyone finding out her secret was enough motivation. “Please”, she pleaded desperately. 

Hyejoo could have sworn she felt her heart break at the look of disgust the other girl sent her, so unlike her usual smiles reserved only for her. “If you think I’m going to stand there and watch you die then you clearly don’t know me as well as I thought you did.” She turned her back on the younger girl and made her way out of the bedroom, her fingers already dialing Haseul’s number.

Hyejoo sat down on her bed, her thought running all over the place. She couldn’t believe that after all her hard work, her secret would soon be no more. A large part of her wanted to run out the dorm but she didn’t for two reasons. The first was that she would have to pass through the living room and she was certain Chaewon would stop her. The second was that she was tired. She was tired of lying to the girls. She was tired of being in so much pain constantly. She was just so tired of everything.

So instead, she laid on her bed, closing her eyes and trying to think back on better times. She was shaken out of her thoughts almost ten minutes later by the sound of the dorm opening, life immediately filling the empty dorm once more. She heard Sooyoung’s worried voice coming from the living room. “What’s wrong Chaewon-a. Why did you ask us to come back immediately?

Chaewon spoke in a lower volume, making it so that Hyejoo could no longer hear the conversation, something for which she was grateful. She sat up in the bed, trying to ready herself for the confrontation that she knew to be coming. She heard shocked exclamations coming from the other room, some sounding angry, all of them sounding worried. “I’ll do it”, she heard an angry voice say. She wondered what the other girl meant but didn’t have much time to contemplate before being interrupted by Jiwoo storming into the bedroom, her eyes immediately meeting Hyejoo’s.

Hyejoo had never seen such an angry look on the normally smiling girl and, although she’d never say it out loud, she was actually intimidated by her. It left her wondering if maybe lying and manipulating the one member who was a black belt in taekwondo hadn’t been the brightest idea. Before she could think further on that, the girl stormed towards her and grabbed her arm in a tight grip, in a scary imitation of Chaewon earlier that day. Before she knew what was happening, she found herself pulled of the bed and dragged out the room and towards the living room couch, where the older girl then proceeded to shove her into sitting, albeit surprisingly gently.

She was immediately surrounded by the rest of the members, all of them standing up and looking down at her. She felt a knot of guilt forming in her stomach at the look of complete betrayal in Jungeun’s face. A look which was mirrored by Jiwoo once Hyejoo managed to see past her mask of anger. She wasn’t surprised to see matching expressions of anger on some of the other members, knowing that their anger simply signified how much they cared.

The anger, however, was easier to stomach than the sadness and worry that she could see hidden behind the anger. “Hyejoo please tell me this is some kind of joke you and Chaewon are playing on us”, Heejin pleaded. Hyejoo almost went with it and told them that it was in fact a prank but she noticed Chaewon, Jiwoo and Jungeun standing on the side in identical positions, looking at her with their arms crossed and an eyebrow raised, daring her to lie.

So instead, she simply looked down. “I’m sorry”, she said. “Hyejoo do you have any idea how dangerous this is?”, Yerim asked. Hyejoo flinched at the unusual harsh tone in which her best friend spoke. She opened her mouth to defend her choice but was interrupted before she could. “How could you keep this from us”, Sooyoung exclaimed angrily. She once more tried to speak up but was interrupted once again. “I mean really. This has to be the stupidest thing you’ve ever done”, Hyunjin muttered.

There were some scattered agreements as the members started joining in on scolding her. Hyejoo had never wanted to disappear from a room more than she did in that moment. Haseul must have seen the panicked look in her eyes as she decided to step in.

“Look, we can deal with all that later. Right now, we need to talk about how we’re going to fix this”, Haseul said, ever the cool-headed leader. Suggestions seemed to leave every member’s mouth immediately, most suggesting the surgery with only two suggestions of her confessing, both coming from both Jiwoo and Jungeun who were both looking at Chaewon. Their suggestions made the other members immediately start to shout their opinions on why that wasn’t the right option. Soon enough, all eleven girls were shouting both at each other and at Hyejoo, all trying to make themselves heard over all the commotion.

All the voices, the shouts, the looks of anger. They were too much for Hyejoo. She felt the familiar feeling of not being able to breath starting to creep upon her, although for some weird reason, she couldn’t feel any flowers trying to come up. She clutched at her chest when the feeling got worse. It felt as though her lungs were closing up. Blood pounded in her head as her heart thudded in her chest. Her hands shook and her chest started getting tighter as bile rose up her throat. She could feel herself starting to hyperventilate as the pain in her chest grew worse. She couldn’t understand what was happening. The feeling was unlike any she’d ever had before. She was desperate for her members to realize her condition but they were to busy fighting with each other and she didn’t see to be capable of forming any words.

Her stomach started churning and she was hit with a wave of dizziness. She stood up abruptly from the couch, catching her member’s attention. She saw Kahei’s mouth moving, telling or asking her something, a concerned look on her face, but she couldn’t hear anything. The last thing Hyejoo saw was the panic in her member’s eyes before darkness finally overtook her vision, her legs giving out as she fell right into Jinsoul’s awaiting arms, who had quickly gone to stand behind her once she realized what was happening. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------

The first thing Hyejoo noticed when she woke up was the familiar smell of disinfectant. She opened her eyes before quickly closing them once more at the blinding lights. After blinking a few times, the light finally became more manageable. She gingerly sat up in the bed and looked around the room. Her members were all there, some sitting in chairs and others on the floor. They all seemed to be asleep except Yerim who was sitting on the closest chair, looking down at her phone. Hyejoo quietly called her name, trying to get her attention without waking the others.

Her attempts were all in vain when Yerim finally saw her. “You’re awake”, she screamed before proceeding to jump up from her seat and run towards her, enveloping her in an almost painful hug. The squealing coming from the purple haired girl woke the rest of the members immediately, Jinsoul jumping up from her seat and standing with her arms up in a fighting position, still half asleep. “Who’s attacking”, she half mumbled, still half stuck in a dream. The sleep however, seemed to vanish from her eyes the second her eyes landed on the now awake Hyejoo. She echoed her subunit member’s squeal as she joined the hug.

By that time, all the girls were awake and standing up, watching the girl on the bed. “What happened?” Hyejoo asked. Both Yerims’ and Jinsoul’s smiles immediately vanished as they stepped back to join the other members, identical guilty looks on all of them.

Hyejoo was confused by this reaction, confusing their guilt for worry. “That’s weird. The hanahaki had never made me pass out before”, she said, trying to assure the members. The look, however, only seemed to worsen at her words.

The girls looked at each other, none of them wanting to tell their younger member what they had done. Haseul finally stepped up once it was made clear that no one else was going to say anything. “It wasn’t actually the disease which made you pass out. You had a panic attack. I guess having 11 people shouting questions at you at the same time didn’t help with an already stressful situation”, she confessed, looking remorseful. Hyejoo was even more confused at the admission. If it was just a panic attack then why was she in the hospital.

Haseul seemed to understand her unspoken question. “We kind of took advantage of the fact that you were unconscious to bring you here”, she admitted quietly, waiting for the anger that was sure to come.

Hyejoo’s initial thought was to scream at them, feeling betrayed by her members going against her wishes but she then saw the guilt on every member’s faces, along with the worry. She sighted, her anger leaving her as she realized how worried they must have been to have dragged her there unwillingly. “I’m not angry”, she said. Haseul looked both surprised and relieved at hearing that. “Good, because you have to know that we were just worried.”

“Well if she hadn’t been so stupid, we wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place”, Sooyoung scoffed, from her place near the door. Haseul, along with some other members shot her death glares, warning her to shut up but Hyejoo couldn’t blame the older girl for her words. She knew it would take some time before she forgave her.

“Did they operate on me?” she asked, fearing the answer. She felt relied flood her when Haseul shook her head. “Not yet at least”, she said. “Jiwoo and Jungeun here wanted to try something else to see if it worked before taking that measure.” Hyejoo turned to look at said girls, confusion filling her. She wondered what they wanted to try, knowing there were only two known cures to the disease. Her confusion was cleared when she noticed both girls looking at Chaewon. “I don’t know about you guys but I could do with some food right now”, Jiwoo said. Jungeun quickly agreed. “I saw a convenience store close by”, she mentioned.

“Chaewon, you stay here to keep Hyejoo company”, Jiwoo ordered. Hyejoo rolled her eyes at the two older girls attempts at being subtle. It seemed she wasn’t as great at hiding her feelings as she had thought she was. One by one, the girls left the room but not before giving Hyejoo a hug or kiss on the cheek, both Jiwoo and Jungeun giving her a look that made it clear that she wasn’t of the hook for lying before hugging her tightly and also leaving. Sooyoung was the last to approach, gently kissing her on the forehead before telling her she was still mad at her. Hyejoo simply nodded at the older girl and watched as she also left the room, leaving her alone with Chaewon.

She turned to look out the window of the room, feeling to embarrassed to look at the other girl. She was sure she was about to let her down gently before asking her to take the surgery. She heard footsteps approaching and felt the bed sinking lower at the weight of an extra body. “Please look at me”, Chaewon said, taking Hyejoo’s hand and entwining their fingers. Hyejoo turned to look at the older girl, sitting so close she could feel the warmth that emitted from her body.

She met Chaewon’s eyes, a neutral look on the other girls’ face. “Jiwoo and Jungeun seem to think I’m the reason for the flowers. Are they right?” She asked, getting straight to the point. Hyejoo wanted to say no but she was so tired from running so she simply nodded, almost imperceptibly. She tried to prepare herself for the heartbreak that was sure to come but was instead surprised by the smile that immediately replaced the neutral look on Chaewon’s face. “You idiot”, she said, the insult sounding more affectionate than insulting coming from her mouth. She threw her arms around the younger girl, burying her head in her neck. “I was so worried”, she admitted, her breath warm on Hyejoo’s neck.

Hyejoo was perplexed. “I don’t understand. What’s happening?”, she asked. Chaewon let out a small laugh, still holding her tightly. “I swear I’ve never met someone so oblivious”, she said as she finally let go, laughing once more at the confusion visible in Hyejoo’s eyes. “I love you too, you big doofus”. Hyejoo felt hope building up but was still confused. “What? I thought you loved that guy from your old school. You’ve been talking with him constantly.”

Chaewon rolled her eyes fondly. “You mean Jay? He’s just a friend. I told you he asked me out to see your reaction. To see if maybe you liked me too. When you told me to meet up with him, I assumed you only liked me as a friend”, she explained.

“Wait, really? You’re not just saying this because you feel guilty? Chaewon resisted the urge to smack her forehead at the other girls’ doubts. “Seriously? I just told you I loved you and you’re still questioning it? Hyejoo simply shrugged. “I’m just trying to make sure that…” whatever Hyejoo was going to say was cut off by a pair of lips meeting her own, Chaewon finally having enough of Hyejoo’s obliviousness and deciding to clear her doubts in the only way she could think of.

Hyejoo could not believe what was happening. She was finally kissing the girl of her dreams. The scent of strawberries seemed to overwhelm her senses and she dimly wondered what Chaewon would think of her getting a tattoo of a strawberry before all her thoughts seemed to vanish, unable to focus on anything else other than the sensation of the soft lips moving against her own. The butterflies and fireworks that all those romance movies Chaewon had made her watch were wrong. Because kissing Chaewon was not explosive. It was the opposite. It was calm and inviting. All the worries that had been weighing on her for so long seemed to disappear. It felt like coming home.

They finally pulled apart after oxygen became a problem, resting their foreheads against each other as they tried to regain their breath. Hyejoo smiled shyly at Chaewon. “So I guess you were serious then” she said, laughing at the slight annoyance that flashed through Chaewon’s face. Hyejoo suddenly realized that the ache that had been bothering her throat for more than three months now was finally gone.

A little while later, the other girls finally came back carrying all kinds of balloons and teddy bears from the hospital store along with food they’d brought from the closest convenience store. The doctor had confirmed that there were no traces of flowers left in her system but had insisted on her staying there a few more hours just as a precaution, much to Hyejoo’s annoyance and the other members insistence.

Hyejoo watched as Yerim and Yeojin tried to squeeze into the small space available in the bed, Chaewon jokingly pushing a pouting Jinsoul off as she tried to join with one hand, the other still entwined with Hyejoo’s. The rest of the girls either sat on the chairs spread around the room or sat on the floor as Jiwoo and Hyunjin started pulling the food out of the bags and passing it around. Before long, laughter was ringing around the room as the girls teased each other, remembering memories from when they’d first debuted. A warm feeling enveloped her and a fond smile formed on her face as she watched her family surrounding her hospital bed. Chaewon noticed the smile and squeezed her hand fondly.

Hyejoo knew that the conversation wasn’t over. That she still needed to sort things out with both Jungeun and Jiwoo and that it would take them all some time to move on from almost losing their little sister. But for now, with her new girlfriend lying next to her and her family surrounding her, she simply wanted to enjoy the moment while it lasted. After all, they had all the time in the world to talk about what had happened later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly wanted to write the girls coddling and doting on Hyejoo but I felt like them being angry was pretty reasonable. If the disease had been in an earlier stage they probably wouldn’t have reacted like that but the mere knowledge that Hyejoo could literally drop dead any day now and realizing how close they were to losing her really scared them and that came out in anger. Or at least that’s what I was trying to do. I tried to add some comedic relief but not sure I managed that. Also, I loved writing Hyejoo being a useless gay 😂. I know the ending was kind of rushed and abrupt but I just didn’t know what else to write. I hope you liked it anyways. Please leave a comment on what you thought. I love reading and answering them :)


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